Neglected

My heart screams for attention,

cravin’ for the care only dreams could spare,

and giving hope to an impossible longing.

Glances caught meant not a thing,

Why am I still believing for something

Only my mind could imagine?

I’ll be away now, with a vague return.

This way, it would be a lot better,

To stop one from bleeding

and endless hurting from an invisible feeling.

Sad thoughts of being neglected left behind.

You tend to be so numb that

I’d dare say goodbye and eventually break apart.

Yet it’s only you who could stick the pieces back

and soothingly prevent me from toppling

down over and over again.

Do you hear or

Even feel me now?

I sure still doubt it.

Slice of Heaven: 101 Things That Make Me Happy

I have this instead of a bucket list. Not being able to complete one’s bucket list isn’t comforting at all, especially when you don’t have the means. So I made a list of random things that make me happy. This is not something to compel others. I don’t even know if anybody reads my post. That’s okay. I have fun writing. This one is just a reminder for me that I could find happiness even in ordinary moments, in ordinary things. This reminds me not to set my bar too high when it comes to happiness, which I normally do. I want to laugh to my heart’s content. I want to smile with my eyes.

Everyday Delight

1	Watch a drizzle from a window
2	Write an article that inspires me
3	Watch boxing match with the household
4	Listen to old love songs
5	Inspiring mass homily
6	Meal with the complete family
7	Camping
8	Go on a Christmas carolling
9	Drinking spree with friends
10	Curl up with a novel
11	Food trip
12	Well-done recitation
13	Inspiring story
14	Winning a contest
15	Reminiscing good times
16	Week without exams
17	No classes
18	Playing with cute witty children
19	Sleeping in a hammock
20	Reunions
21	Awesome class discussion
22	Waiting for Christmas

Ride to the Sky

23	Hot air balloon
24	Cable car
25	Largest Ferris wheel
26	Horse on my own
27	Swing in a tree

Not So Ordinary

28	Four-leaf clover
29	Rainbow
30	Withered tree
31	White roses
32	Falling autumn leaves
33	Sunset
34	Color purple
35	Leche Flan
36	Fireworks
37	Magic Trick
38	Perfect score
39	Beautiful photographs
40	Sweet dreams
41	White chocolates
42	Manga reads
43	Ocean
44	See-through umbrella
45	Tear-jerking movie
46	Vintage clothes and accessories
47	Tree house
48	Lacy clothes
49	Street foods
50	Floating lanterns
51	Stuffed toys
52	Good sleep
53	Garden of flowers

Especially For Me

54	Serenaded with my favorite songs
55	To be found by the man truly for me
56	Thoughtful gifts
57	Gadget fit for me
58	Full-body massage
59	Compliment
60	Hugs and kisses
61	Piggyback ride
62	Taken care of
63	Feel protected
64	Being praised or recognized
65	Sweet gestures
66	Recipient of chivalry
67	Dad's diskarte J
68	When mom brushes my hair
69	Kiss on the forehead
70	Recognition from a stranger
71	Love letters

Over the Horizon

72	See Adam Levine or Johnny Depp
73	Star in a theatre
74	Travel the world
75	Watch a play or an opera
76	Experience my first snow
77	Complete the misa de gallo
78	My own car
79	Be a lawyer
80	Teach
81	Be in a masquerade
82	Wear a bikini
83	Own my dream house
84	Study abroad
85	Write my own book
86	Slow Dance
87	My own business

Bliss of Discovery

88	New language
89	Learn to bike
90	Learn to bake/cook
91	Play the guitar really well
92	Learn to play violin and drums
93	Cross-stitch masterpiece
94	Learn to drive

Thrill for Thee

95	Buy my sister something she wants
96	Give food to street children
97	Set-up surprise for a friend
98	Braiding a long hair
99	Pleasing others
100	Play hide-and-seek
101	Make my parents proud

Resemblance of Another, or is He?

              A complete stranger shouldn’t bother me. I should let go what’s never been mine.

            Is this real or am I just fooling myself? I know that the recent heartbreak took its toll on me. My first heartbreak. Of course I had no idea how to cope with it. I did not cry, except in cases when I already felt like suffocating. I just kept to myself. I think I’m good at looking for ways to divert my attention. I always need to be pre-occupied, or else I would miss him again. Then there would be that overwhelming feeling to want to be in his presence, just to feel his caress, just to hear his voice. I put my mind in a blank state or I crowd it with too much things, either way, I am able to breeze through every single day, the hard way.

            I’m doing well. I’m moving on, or so I thought I am. No one would ever understand how I feel. So, I concentrate hard on blocking all the sentiments that creep through my system, my whole core. I need to build walls around me, which would be hard enough, which would not topple down in case I break the chains that restrains me and in case I pound hard against my barriers. It is difficult.

            I tried to have fun. I entertained myself with other people, with other men, for the hope of being able to feel alive again. Entertained in the sense that I talked and humoured with them. I ordered myself to be happy. But, this isn’t me. It is just a façade to show the world that I’m okay, that I’m not hurting. Did I do well? I will never know what others think of my performance.  In the end, it’s me I cannot fake. I feel so fragile. One touch and I would shatter into a million pieces.

            Recently, I became fond of somebody, a stranger at that. With my stalking skills, I learned his name and what he could amazingly do. I am someone shallow. I could be easily swept off my feet. With some superb talent or great personality, I would then be in total awe. Then I would be really interested. Then, without that person knowing, I turn out to be his instant fan.

My Stranger? I don’t really know him for real. I don’t even understand myself why I feel this way or why I like him that much. I thought that this was just me having fun. At least I would have an inspiration in my super frenzied life. Why not? Until one friend told me that he somehow resembled that of my past. Of course I denied that. I said My Stranger is totally different. The two of them are nothing like each other. But how should I know? I convinced my friend, but then again, it was me who needed a lot of convincing.

I get nervous when My Stranger comes around. My day isn’t complete without seeing him. Is this desperation in its extreme? Then it dawned on me. My Stranger was out of my reach. I had no hold on this stranger. Maybe I liked him for real. Although, how could I say that? We didn’t even have a close encounter except when he sat next to me once, or twice. Or maybe I was just hoping that he would fill the emptiness that I carry around with me.

In a snap of a finger, he can be with somebody he deserves, one meant for him. Who am i? I’m just an ordinary lady. Nothing much. I don’t want to start with the comparisons I normally do, else I drown in self-pity. It would be foolish of me to nurse these feelings. Utterly foolish. Perhaps, it would be best to stop this nonsense if I don’t want heartbreak all over again.

Maybe it would be best to wear a more convincing mask. I need a mask that doesn’t crumble to pressure, else it expose my raw insides. Then again, I have to let go. It’s the most difficult thing in the world. I’ve tried. And I failed more times than I could count. The only difference is, this time, I would let go of something that’s never been mine.

I know, I’m shallow.

Pause

Sa araw na 'to wala ka
Mabuti na rin 'to
'Di ako magsasawa
Ang sakit ng tyan ko
Wala pa nga ang mga paru-paro
Na iyong mga alaga

Pagod na 'ko sa kakabasa
Wala na nga yata itong katapusan
Pero sana naman
Magkaroon ako ng dahilan
Na di sumuko
Sa buhay kong ewan

Kailangan ko ng inspirasyon
Para ako'y mabuhayan naman
Desperada ba 'ka mo?
H'wag namang ganyan
Nakakainis lang
Ako'y laging lutang

Pwede 'pause' muna?
Pakiramdam ko kasi ang bilis-bilis na
Kakatapos nga lang ng isang exam
Pasa ba o bagsak
'Yan ang 'di ko alam
Sangkatutak na naman
Ang aking paghahandaan

Ikaw, kailan ka darating?
H'wag naman sana
Kapag ako'y nahihimbing
H'wag mag-alala
Hangga't kaya pa
Hihintayin kita

Estranghero

Ako’y nakaupo sa paborito kong silya

Nakabungad ang babasahin

Na kung titigan pa lang ako’y nahihilo na

Araw-araw nalang ganito

Kailan pa ba matatapos ‘to?

Pero nagpagtanto ko

Ilang taon pa ang titiisin ko

Apat kung maswerte

Lima, anim, pito

Ayaw ko ng bilangin

Naaalog na ang utak ko

May lalaking nasa aking tabi

Halaman ang nakapagitan

Di ko mawari

Pero may iba akong naramdamam

Sa nakaw na tingin

Meron akong napansin

Sa aklat mo may larawan ng gitara

Simula noon, sa silid-aklatan ako’y namamalagi na

Ilang umaga na napakaaga ko

Wala pang ibang tao

Kailangang magsunog ng kilay

Para di naman mapag-iwanan

Nagbago ang lahat

Nang isang araw matagal akong nagising

Ang aking paboritong silya

May ibang nahumaling

Hindi ako hiyang sa bago kong upuan

Sanay ako sa pwestong nakalagian

Anong magagawa ko?

Nasabi ko na lang,

Lord may rason ka siguro

Kung bakit ako nakaupo dito

Kailangan kong tanggapin

Na may bago na akong pwesto

Wala na atang plano lumipat ang babae

Na umagaw sa upuan ko

Lagi siyang maaga

Nauunahan ako

Isang hapon

Hala! Lord, bigla na lang!

‘Eto na ata ang rason mo

Yung tinukoy ko nung minsan

Tumabi siya sa akin

At nang araw ding yun nasabi ko

May crush na ‘ko, mas gaganahan na kong mag-aral nito

Hindi makagalaw

Akala ko ba magbabasa ako?

Bakit di ko namamalayang abot tenga na ang ngiti ko

Pasulyap-sulyap

Nahahalata na kaya?

Baka sabihin niyang weirdo ako

Sige lang, balang araw malalaman ko rin ang pangalan mo

Magaling nga lang siguro akong magresearch

Di nagtagal kilala na kita

Pero ako sayo hanggang estranghero lang ata

Sa aking pananaliksik

Ako’y sobrang bumilib

Nang makita ang galing mo sa pagtugtog

Wala akong masabi

Ako’y napanganga

Ang galing mo talaga

Kaya pala sa aklat mo may gitara

Tama na

Ako nalang ay patuloy na hahanga

Hanggang sa mapansin mo

Kailan pa kaya?